THE WEST WING

"PILOT"

WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN

DIRECTED BY: THOMAS SCHLAMME

ACT ONE

WAITER [VO]

Two Absolut Martinis up; another Dewars rocks.

FADE IN: INT. FOUR SEASONS HOTEL - GEORGETOWN - NIGHT

SAM SEABORN is sitting with a reporter, BILLY KENWORTHY, in the bar.

SAM SEABORN

I don't think we're going to run the table, if that's what you're asking.

BILLY KENWORTHY [OS]

It's not.

SAM

I know.

BILLY [OS]

Deep background. I'm not going to come close to using your name.

SAM

[laughs] You're not going to come close to getting a quote, either.

BILLY

Why are we sitting here?

SAM

[taking a drink] You sat down.

BILLY

Is Josh on his way out?

SAM

No.

BILLY

Is he?

SAM

No.

BILLY

I know he's your friend.

SAM

He is.

BILLY

Did Caldwell say...?

SAM

Billy, I'm not talking about this.

BILLY

Who do I call?

SAM

No one.

BILLY

Just tell me who to call.

SAM

Well, you could call 1-800-BITE-ME.

BILLY

Sam.

SAM

He's not going anywhere, Billy. It's a non-story.

BILLY

Okay. You're lying now, aren't you?

SAM

That hurts, Billy. Why would I lie to a journalist of all people?

BILLY

Why do you keep looking over my shoulder?

SAM

Why?

BILLY

Yes.

SAM

'Cause Alger Hiss just walked in with my secret pumpkin.

BILLY

What?

SAM

There's a woman over there. I think she's looking at me.

BILLY

Really?

SAM

I don't know. I never know if they're looking or not.

Billy turns 180 degrees to see a woman sitting on a couch with a drink. She

looks

to see him obviously eying at her. Sam sighs.

BILLY

Yeah, I think she was.

SAM

I want to thank you for the casual way that you did that just now. She probably

didn't notice that.

Sam makes eye contact with the woman and smiles.

CUT TO: EXT. DAWN RISING OVER LARGE TUDOR STYLE HOUSE - DAY

CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

LEO McGARRY is doing a crossword puzzle while eating breakfast. A television is

turned on to the news.

LEO McGARRY

17 across is wrong. It's just wrong. Do you believe that Ruth?

RUTH

You should call them.

LEO

I will call them.

WOMAN [OS]

Telephone, Leo.

LEO

I'm in the shower.

WOMAN [OS]

It's POTUS.

LEO

[sits down and picks up the phone] Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. HEALTH CLUB - DAY

C.J. CREGG is running on a treadmill while talking to the man using the

treadmill

next to her.

C.J. CREGG

You can have a normal life. You'd be amazed at how normal I can be. See,

it's all

about budgeting your time. This time, this hour, this is my time. Five

a.m. to six

a.m. I can workout, as you see. I can think about personal matters. I can

meet an

interesting man. [Her beeper goes off.] The trick is...

MAN

Your beeper's going.

C.J.

What?

MAN

I think your beeper is going.

C.J. checks her beeper while still running on the treadmill. What she finds

on her

beeper is distracting, however, and she falls off the machine.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH LYMAN'S OFFICE - DARK

In the dark office, JOSH LYMAN is asleep at his cluttered desk as a custodian

vacuums the floor. His beeper goes off, waking him up. He checks his beeper,

then

picks up the phone and quickly dials.

JOSH

Yeah. This is Josh Lyman. What's going on?

CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - DARK

The shades are drawn and many of the passengers are sleeping, except TOBY

ZIEGLER,

who is busy typing on his laptop.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1 [VO]

We ask at this time that you turn off all electronic devices, stow your

tray tables

and return your setbacks to the full and upright position. We will be landing

shortly at Washington-Dulles Airport.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2

[approaches Toby] Sir, I need you to turn off your computer.

TOBY ZIEGLER

I'm just about done.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2

I need you to turn off your laptop, sir. It interferes with our navigational

systems.

TOBY

You know when you guys say that, it sounds ridiculous to most people, right?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2

Sir...

Another Flight Attendant approaches.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 3

Mr. Ziegler? A message was just patched up to the cockpit for you. I'm not sure

I've got it right. POTUS in a bicycle accident?

TOBY

[stops typing and looks up] You got it right. [reaches for his cell phone]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2

You can't use your phone until we land, sir.

TOBY

We're flying in a Lockheed eagle series L-1011. It came off the line 20

months ago

and carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still

flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2

You can call when we land, sir.

TOBY

[calling as she walks away] Also, I never got my peanuts.

CUT TO:

INT. A BEDROOM - DAY

Lying on the bed is the woman in the bar. Her name is LAURIE. She is lying

on the

bed smoking pot.

LAURIE

How ya doing, Sam?

SAM [OS]

Let me tell you something. The water pressure in here is really impressive.

LAURIE

I know.

SAM

[walking out of the bathroom, having taken a shower] You could run hydraulics

in here.

LAURIE

Want some? [referring to pot]

SAM

I'm fine.

LAURIE

I'm wasted.

SAM

And probably free of cataracts.

LAURIE

I get that. That's funny.

SAM

Thank you.

LAURIE

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Your message -- your pager went off while you were in the

shower. I hit the button because I thought it was mine.

Sam reads the beeper, while Laurie recites the message.

LAURIE

'POTUS in a bicycle accident. Come to the office.'

Sam rushes to get dressed.

LAURIE [cont.]

I memorized it just in case I erased it on accident. [looks at both her

and Sam's

pager, comparing them] These things look exactly alike. Anyway, like I

said, I'm

totally baked. But um -- no, it's not like I'm a drug person. I just love pot.

SAM

[slightly preoccupied] Um, Laurie, I to have to go.

LAURIE

You're kidding me. It's five thirty in the morning.

SAM

I know this doesn't look good.

LAURIE

Not that good. No.

SAM

You know what? I really like you. And if you give me your number, I'd like

to call you.

LAURIE

Stay right here and save yourself a call.

SAM

It's not that I don't see the logic in that, but I really gotta go.

LAURIE

'Cause POTUS was in a bicycle accident?

SAM

Yup.

LAURIE

[writes her number on a piece of paper, grabs one of the beepers and puts

them in

Sam's shirt pocket, while giving him a kiss] Tell your friend, POTUS, he's

got a

funny name. And he should learn how to ride a bicycle.

SAM

I would, but he's not my friend, he's my boss; and it's not his name, it's

his title.

LAURIE

POTUS?

SAM

President of the United States. I'll call you.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NORTHWEST LOBBY - DAY

Leo walks past several security checks and continues down the hallway. He

passes a

security officer, Mike, who is sitting behind a desk.

MIKE

It's a nice morning, Mr. McGarry.

LEO

We'll take care of that in a hurry. Won't we, Mike?

MIKE

Yes, sir.

BONNIE

Don't kill the messenger, Leo. [hands him some papers]

LEO

Oh, why the hell not, Bonnie?

BONNIE

Five minutes.

LEO

Please. [continues through JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA] Hey, Emma.

EMMA

Morning.

LEO

Wilson.

WILSON

Hey, Leo.

LEO

Joe.

JEFFREY

It's Jeffrey.

LEO

Whatever.

He winds up at the desk of DONNA MOSS.

LEO

[calls] Josh!

DONNA MOSS

Morning, Leo.

LEO

Hey, Donna. Is he in yet?

DONNA

[stirring her coffee] Yeah.

LEO

Can you get him?

DONNA

[yells] Josh!

LEO

Thanks.

DONNA

I heard it's broken.

LEO

You heard wrong.

DONNA

I heard--

LEO

It's a mild sprain. He'll be back later today.

DONNA

And what was the cause of the accident?

LEO

What are you, from State Farm? Go. Do a job, would ya?

DONNA

I'm just...

LEO

He was swerving to avoid a tree.

DONNA

And what happened?

LEO

He was unsuccessful.

Leo walks into JOSH'S OFFICE.

JOSH

[talking on the phone] Yeah. That's fine. Just don't do anything until Justice.

Okay, bye. [hangs up the phone] Hey.

LEO

How many Cubans, exactly, have crammed themselves into these fishing boats?

JOSH

It's important to understand, Leo, that by and large, these aren't fishing

boats.

You hear fishing boats, you conjure an image of -- well, of a boat, first

of all.

What the Cubans are on would charitably be described as rafts. Okay? They're

making

the hop from Havana to Miami in fruit baskets, basically. Let's just be

clear on that.

LEO

We are.

JOSH

Donna's desk, if it could float, would look good to them right now.

LEO

I get it. How many are there?

JOSH

We don't know.

LEO

What time, exactly, did they leave?

JOSH

We don't know.

LEO

Do we know when they get here?

JOSH

No.

LEO

True or False: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good

pair of

binoculars, I would be as informed as I am right now.

JOSH

That's true.

LEO

The intelligence budget's money well spent, isn't it?

They begin to walk through the busy HALLWAY continuing their conversation.

JOSH

Tell them to send the Coast Guard, Leo.

LEO

The Coast Guard won't...

JOSH

I understand! But, they're never going to make it to our territorial waters.

LEO

Thank you.

JOSH

What if the D.A. suspected they had drugs?

LEO

Does the D.A. suspect they have drugs?

JOSH

We could make a phone call.

LEO

Josh!

JOSH

If the D.A. or Navy Intel thought the Cubans were bringing in drugs,

wouldn't we

have to go out there and search those rafts with, you know, guns and blankets?

LEO

You look like hell. You know that, don't you?

JOSH

Yes. I do. Listen, Leo. Did he say anything?

LEO

Did he say anything?! The President's pissed as hell at you, Josh. And so am I.

JOSH

[sighs] I know.

LEO

You gotta work with these people. And where the hell do you get off strutting

your...

They are walking through the ROOSEVELT ROOM.

JOSH

I know.

LEO

Al Caldwell is a good man.

JOSH

Al Caldwell wasn't there.

LEO

I'm saying, you take everyone on the Christian Right, dump them into one

big pile,

and label them 'stupid'. We need these people.

JOSH

We do not need these people.

LEO

Josh.

JOSH

We need Al Caldwell. We want Al Caldwell. We do not need John Van Dyke. And

we do

not need Mary Marsh.

LEO

And I think there shouldn't be instant replay in football, but that' s not

my call,

now, is it?

JOSH

[stops walking, while Leo continues on] It was stupid.

LEO

Damn straight.

JOSH

I was right, though.

LEO

[talking to himself] Like I don't know that.

Leo walks into the OUTER OVAL OFFICE where MRS. LANDINGHAM stands up from

her desk.

MRS. LANDINGHAM

Oh, Mr. McGarry. Have they done an X-Ray?

LEO

Yup.

MRS. LANDINGHAM

Is anything broken?

LEO

A $4,000 Lynex Titanium touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone.

MRS. LANDINGHAM

[following Leo into the OVAL OFFICE] I don't understand. How did he...?

LEO

He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham. Your President's a geek.

MRS. LANDINGHAM

Mr. McGarry, you know how I feel about that kind of talk in the Oval Office.

LEO

I apologize.

MRS. LANDINGHAM

Just in this room, Mr. McGarry. That's all I'm asking.

LEO

Yes. [walks out of the Oval Office and sees Bonnie] Oh, Bonnie. Call

O.E.O.B. and

set up a briefing for the Vice President. Let's coordinate with Katie

Simon's office

on the appointments.

BONNIE

Should I get everybody in?

LEO

Yeah! [He walks into his office.] Margaret. Please call the editor of the

New York

Times crossword and tell him that 'Khaddafi' is spelled with an h, and two

d's, and

isn't a seven letter word for anything.

MARGARET

Is this for real? Or is this just funny?

LEO

Apparently, it's neither.

LEO'S OFFICE. The senior staff is beginning to gather. Several secretaries and

assistants wonder in and out of the office.

C.J.

Is there anything I can say, other than the President rode his bicycle into

a tree?

LEO

He hopes never to do it again.

C.J.

Seriously. They're laughing pretty hard.

LEO

He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J.. What do you want me to -- 'The

President,

while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden

arboreal

stop' -- What do you want from me?

C.J.

A little love, Leo.

LEO

[to Sam] What do you know about the Cubans?

SAM

I don't know anymore than Josh. Somewhere between 1200 and 2000 Cubans began

embarking from a fishing village 30 miles South of Havana.

STAFFER

Where are they headed?

JOSH

Vegas.

SAM

Miami. Though, it's not clear how sophisticated their navigation equipment is.

JOSH

Navigational equipment? That way is North, I think is pretty...

C.J.

Josh.

JOSH

C.J., if one of these guys could throw a split fingered fastball, we'd send

in the

USS Eisenhower.

C.J.

That's not entirely true.

TOBY

Oh, for God's sake. Forget about the journey. Okay? The voyage is not our

problem.

C.J.

What's our problem?

TOBY

What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and the Get-Me-The-Hell-Outta-Here

hit Miami.

LEO

Sam?

SAM

Can't send them back. They'll go to jail, if they're lucky.

TOBY

We'll get whacked in what? At least...

SAM

Three congressional districts. Dade County.

TOBY

Those seats are gone.

JOSH

Not to mention the fact that it's wrong.

SAM

Plus that.

JOSH

What about Texas?

SAM

I wouldn't worry about it.

LEO

Keep Josh in the loop on this throughout the day.

SAM

Me?

LEO

Yeah.

SAM

The thing is, my day is a little tight...

TOBY

Deal with it.

SAM

And I'm happy to. It's just that...

LEO

Sam.

SAM

I'm just saying, isn't this more of a military area?

The room goes silent as everyone digests Sam's argument in shock.

LEO

Military?

SAM

Yeah.

TOBY

You think the United States is under attack from 1200 Cubans in rowboats?

SAM

I'm not saying I don't like our chances.

TOBY

Mind-boggling to me that we ever won an election.

LEO

Pat Thomas wants to call up the Guard.

JOSH

He shouldn't.

SAM

He's right.

C.J.

You send in the Guard, you create a panic situation.

TOBY

I agree with Josh. And I agree with C.J.. And I agree with Sam. And you

know how

that makes me crazy.

LEO

Yeah...

TOBY

They're running for their lives. You don't have to start a game of Red

Rover with

Castro. But you don't send in the National Guard. You send food and you

send doctors.

JOSH

Sam, see that I.N.S. is working with the Red Cross and the Centers for

Disease Control.

SAM

I've got my guy from CDC on the phone right...

LEO

Go. Talk to him.

SAM

Talk to him. [leaves]

LEO

Moving on. Let's talk about Josh.

CUT TO: INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY

Reporters are milling about. Billy is talking to a female reporter.

BILLY

Al Caldwell scares the hell out of the President, and Josh knows it.

WOMAN

He's not going to fire him.

BILLY

He's got no choice.

WOMAN

Billy, the President's not going to fire Josh Lyman.

BILLY

He doesn't have a choice.

Buzzer sounds to announce the start of a press briefing. They start to walk

to the

Briefing Room.

BILLY

[continuing] Listen, I had drinks with Sam Seaborn last night.

WOMAN

And Sam said that the President was going to fire Josh?

BILLY

He needs these people. He's going to have to give them Josh.

C.J.

[walks to the podium and begins to address The White House Press Corps]

Folks? Folks?

WOMAN

Billy, what do you think if he just--

BILLY

He doesn't have a choice.

C.J.

Good morning. Dr. Randall Haymen, H-A-Y-M-E-N, chief of orthopedics at

St. John's

Hospital has diagnosed the President with a mild sprain in his left ankle

sustained

while cycling into a large cyprus tree.

The Press Corps laughs.

C.J.

Details can be found in the full report that Linda and Susanne are

distributing.

Along with pool photographs of the President resisting help from a Secret

Service

agent, then falling down again. By all means, enjoy yourselves. Item

number two.

CHRIS

C.J., has the President...?

C.J.

It's a light day, Chris. Let's just get through this, then I'll take a couple

questions. Item number two, the Association of Retired...

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY

All of the lights are out. Josh flips on a television and starts a video tape.

It is of a round table discussion show called 'Capitol Beat.' On the show, Josh

is sitting next to MARY MARSH.

JOSH [on video]

--none of your business. Look, if 38 states...

MARY [on video]

No. Well, I can tell you that you don't believe in any God I pray to,

Mr. Lyman.

Not any God I pray to.

JOSH [on video]

Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud.

[rewinds the tape back]

MARY [on video]

I can tell you that you don't believe in any God I pray to, Mr. Lyman. Not

any God

I pray to.

JOSH [on video]

Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. [rewinds

again]

Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted-

DONNA

[enters the office, holding a coffee mug] You shouldn't have worn that tie on

television. It bleeds.

JOSH

I don't think it was the tie that got me in trouble.

DONNA

No, but I've told you a zillion times.

JOSH

What's that?

DONNA

It's coffee.

JOSH

Thought so.

DONNA

I brought you some coffee.

JOSH

What's going on, Donna?

DONNA

Nothing's going on.

JOSH

Donna.

DONNA

I brought you some coffee.

JOSH

Close the door. [Donna sets the coffee on his desk and closes the door.]

Donnatella Moss, when did you start working for me?

DONNA

Um, during the campaign.

JOSH

And how long have you been my assistant?

DONNA

A year and a half.

JOSH

And when was the last time you brought me a cup of coffee? [beat] It was never.

You've never brought me a cup of coffee.

DONNA

Well, if you're going to make a big deal out of it...

JOSH

Donna. If I get fired, I get fired.

DONNA

Do you think he's going to do it?

JOSH

[beat] No.

A knock on the door.

TOBY [OS]

It's Toby.

DONNA

You won that election for him. You, and Leo, and C.J., and Sam.

More knocks on the door.

TOBY [OS]

Open the damn door.

DONNA

[whispering] And him. [opens the door to reveal Toby and walks out of

the office]

JOSH

Thanks for the coffee.

DONNA

You're welcome.

TOBY

Donna brought you coffee?

DONNA [OS]

Shut up.

JOSH

'Sup?

TOBY

[shutting the door] What did I tell you before you went on the air yesterday?

JOSH

You said, 'don't get cute with Mary Marsh.'

TOBY

I said, 'don't get cute with Mary Marsh.' I said Al Caldwell is not to

be treated

like some revival tent clown.

JOSH

Al Caldwell wasn't there.

TOBY

He sure as hell was watching.

JOSH

Look, I already took Leo's morning beating. What do you want?

TOBY

I want you to keep your job.

JOSH

[beat] How?

TOBY

I'm going to make a suggestion, which might help you out. But I don't want this

gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you.

JOSH

I understand.

TOBY

In preparation for the Sunday morning radio address on family values...

JOSH

When did that get on the schedule?

TOBY

Listen to me for a second...

JOSH

When did it get on the schedule?

TOBY

It's the regular Sunday morning...

JOSH

[raising his voice] Yeah, but when did we schedule family values?

TOBY

We scheduled it, Josh, after your smug, taunting, you know, calamitous

performance

on 'Capitol Beat.' [beat] America for better families. The AAF and Al Caldwell.

Mary Marsh. I've invited them all for coffee this afternoon, along with

a couple

of speechwriters to talk about...

JOSH

What they want to hear.

TOBY

Yes. Yes, sir.

JOSH

If you listen carefully, you can hear two centuries of Presidents rolling

over in

their graves.

TOBY

Come to the meeting.

JOSH

No!

TOBY

Come to the meeting and be nice.

JOSH

Why?

TOBY

So C.J. can put it in the papers...

JOSH

[raising his voice] Al Caldwell is friends with bad people! I think he

should say

so for the common good. Screw politics! How about that?

TOBY

[raising his voice] You don't run social policy for this government. How

'bout that!

JOSH

Toby!

TOBY

I'm in charge of the message around here. It's my job to tell the President

that

the best thing he could do, from a PR standpoint, is to show you the

door. [beat]

Come to the meeting. Be nice. Keep your job.

JOSH

[softly] I'll be there.

TOBY

[remembering] Oh, take a look at this. [hands Josh a newspaper clipping]

JOSH

What's that?

TOBY

One of the kids from the newsroom clipped that from the Journal this morning.

Guess who's leaving Lennox-Chase to start consulting in town? She's leasing

offices downtown. She starts today.

JOSH

Who's she working for?

TOBY

[smiles] I'm checking it out.

Toby leaves the office as Josh sits down, still looking at the newspaper

clipping.

JOSH

[to himself] That's a good picture of her.

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE

* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON STREET - DAY

MANDY HAMPTON is driving a silver convertible very fast, while talking on

her cell phone.

MANDY

[on the phone] Bruce? Bruce? Bruce! I may have just gotten back into the

business

this morning, but I didn't come by way of a turnip truck, you know what

I'm saying?

[pause] You jerk me around on this, and I'm going to get cranky right in

your face.

Now, I was your source on 443. Big, fat byline. Above the fold. So, I

think it's

time to play 'What have you done for me lately.' Look, I don't want to

hear you're

going to try, Bruce. This isn't gym class.

A police officer on motorcycle watches Mandy run a red light and follows her,

his siren blaring.

MANDY

[on the phone] I said, gym class. Gym class! [pulls her car to the side of

the road

and stops, still talking to Bruce.] Bruce, Bruce! 'Cause it's important in

gym to

try, but it is not necessarily- Look, Bruce. It was a simple metaphor. Now

listen

up! Now, you're misinterpreting me and you're misinterpreting the Senator. And

it's

bush league for the party. And it's beneath even you're newspaper.

POLICE OFFICER

[approaches] You know you ran a red light back there.

MANDY

[turns away, still on the phone] Come on. Bruce, please. You huckling me out,

I just

wanna make you cry like a girl.

POLICE OFFICER

Put the phone down, please!

MANDY

Listen, I'm under arrest. I'm going to have to call you back, Bruce.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM- DAY

Leo is meeting with economic advisors.

FRED

A two and a half percent in the third quarter at the end of the fiscal year.

LEO

That's fine, but the President's gonna look at the WBO revenue analysis and say

that economists were put on this planet to make astrologers look good.

Josh walks into the room as several people in the room laugh.

FRED

Leo...

LEO

Luther. Ballpark. One year from today. Where's the Dow?

LUTHER

Tremendous. Up a thousand.

LEO

Fred. One year from today.

FRED

Not good. Down a thousand.

LEO

A year from today at least one of you is gonna look pretty stupid.

LUTHER

Can we go now?

LEO

Oh, go. Get out. [The economists all leave.]

SAM

[walks in] There's a storm system moving into the South Florida area.

LEO

See, with any luck the Cubans'll turn around and live to defect another day.

JOSH

Yeah, 'cause they're probably all tuned to the National Weather Service,

but that's

not what I'm here for.

LEO

What's on your mind?

JOSH

We've gotta look at the whole field for a minute, 'cause I think we're about to

get tagged.

LEO

With regard to what?

JOSH

Re-election.

LEO

Oh, we're not there.

JOSH

Don't let Lloyd Russell push us around on Medicare or medium range missiles.

LEO

You're taking Lloyd Russell too seriously.

SAM

His numbers are starting to get interesting.

JOSH

Hollywood likes him. He can raise money.

LEO

We're not there yet.

JOSH

30 second hypothetical: You're Lloyd Russell, newly crowned prince of the White

suburban woman, the upper middle class Black man and teacher's union. You're no

friend to the sitting President. What do you do?

LEO

Put together an exploratory committee.

JOSH

And who do you get to run it?

LEO

You.

JOSH

I already got a job.

LEO

For the moment.

JOSH

Who do you get?

LEO

Well, if I could get Mandy to leave 900,000 a year at Lennox-Chase, I'd

get Mandy.

JOSH

You'd be smart.

LEO

[to Sam] Hey, come to think of it, you think she'd be interested in his job?

JOSH

You're in luck.

LEO

She's in town?

JOSH

Just got here today.

LEO

What she doing?

JOSH

Working for Lloyd Russell.

LEO

[digests the new information then calls] Margaret! Get me Senator Russell's

office

on the phone.

Josh and Sam stand in the doorway and watch Leo leave.

SAM

Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?

JOSH

Yeah. [beat] You?

SAM

Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. DINER - DAY

At the bar, two female college students are gazing over at a table off screen.

STUDENT 1

I think it's him.

STUDENT 2

It is.

STUDENT 1

Okay. I'm going over there.

The two students grab a magazine from their table as we follow them over

to where

Josh and Mandy are sitting.

STUDENT 2

Excuse me.

STUDENT 1

We're sorry to interrupt your lunch...

STUDENT 2

We're juniors at Florida State...

STUDENT 1

We're with this poly-sci group...

STUDENT 2

Anyway...

STUDENT 1

Anyway, we just wanted to say that we think you're excellent, and could we have

your autograph. [hands Josh a magazine, which he takes and starts to sign]

JOSH

Sure. [nodding over with his head as he writes] This is Mandy Hampton. She's

excellent, too.

STUDENT 1

From the campaign?

STUDENT 2

Didn't you two used to be a thing?

STUDENT 1

Jennifer!

STUDENT 2

Sorry.

JOSH

She used to steal money from me.

STUDENT 1

Really?

JOSH

Yeah. Thanks a lot for stopping by.

STUDENTS

Thanks.

JOSH

Sure.

STUDENTS

Bye.

JOSH

See ya. [The students leave.]

MANDY

Listen. You called me. What do you wanna know? Is Lloyd gonna run?

JOSH

I really don't care one way or the other. He's a lightweight. I just...

MANDY

You don't like him.

JOSH

Not when I can't use him. No. I just wanna know how much trouble he's gonna

be on

the budget surplus.

MANDY

You should get to know him.

JOSH

I have enough friends.

MANDY

Not these days you don't.

JOSH

Please, Mandy. It's not like these people were in our camp to begin with.

MANDY

That's right, Josh, and they've been waiting for you to trip over your

mouth and

you handed it to them. It's Christmas morning for Mary Marsh. [pause] You're a

Fulbright Scholar, are you honestly the only adult in America who doesn't think

you're about to be fired? Do what Toby's telling you to do.

JOSH

Did you just call him Lloyd?

MANDY

Who?

JOSH

Senator Russell.

MANDY

When?

JOSH

A minute ago. You said "What do you wanna know? Is-is Lloyd gonna run"?

MANDY

I don't remember. What does it...?

JOSH

It's unusual for you that you would call a Senator by his first name to a

third party.

MANDY

A third party?

JOSH

You know what I'm saying.

MANDY

No, but as long as one of us does...

JOSH

You're dating Lloyd Russell.

MANDY

Yes.

JOSH

[pause] Wow. That's great.

MANDY

Are you gonna freak out?

JOSH

No, no, no. Not at all. It's just -- I always thought he was gay.

MANDY

No you didn't.

JOSH

I did.

MANDY

He's not gay.

JOSH

You sure?

MANDY

Very sure.

JOSH

He always seemed effeminate to me.

MANDY

He happens to be very athletic. Plenty masculine.

JOSH

I think he's a woman.

MANDY

Josh, take me seriously.

JOSH

I do.

MANDY

The New York Times is gonna release a poll in the next few days that

brings your

unfavorables up to 48%.

JOSH

This is the first I'm hearing of it.

MANDY

You'll have it in about an hour.

JOSH

Where'd you get this?

MANDY

We don't play for the same team anymore.

JOSH

Wait a minute. One minute you're giving me career advice, the next minute

you're

telling me we don't play for...

MANDY

I'm here for a while. And I want you at your fighting weight when I start

bitch-slapping you guys around the beltway. [They start to eat.]

JOSH

You and Lloyd Russell, huh?

MANDY

Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY

LEO

[on the phone] Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You're

spelling

his name wrong. What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I'm just an ordinary

citizen

who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you,

that I've

met with the man twice, and I've recommended a preemptive Exocet Missile attack

against his airforce. So, I think I know how to...

C.J.

[waves to Margaret and walks in] Leo!

LEO

[he looks at the phone, then hangs up] They hang up on me. Every time.

C.J.

That's almost hard to believe.

LEO

What do you need?

C.J.

Nightline wants someone for the East Asia...

LEO

Send Naomi. What else?

C.J.

There might be a press leak on A3-C3.

LEO

That was Hutchison. What else?

C.J.

Leo?

LEO

Please don't ask me about Josh.

C.J.

I was going to ask...

LEO

I honestly don't know anything.

C.J.

You know the President.

LEO

So do you.

C.J.

You know him better.

LEO

I've known him forty years, C.J. And all I can promise you is that on any

given day

there's really no predicting what he's going to choose to care about.

C.J.

Yeah.

LEO

I'm sorry, I'm late. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Sam is walking along the corridor with his lunch tray, being followed by two

communications staffers, LARRY and ED.

LARRY

You can't use those stats.

SAM

The assault stats.

LARRY

The assault stats are wrong.

SAM

We got them from your office.

ED

And we got them from HUD.

SAM

And they're wrong?

ED

Even if they were right, don't use 'em.

SAM

Well, A. Let's make 'em right, and B. why can't I use 'em?

ED

The 76 year old grandmother.

LARRY

Every time we use those assault stats, Carr and Gilmore come back...

SAM

Who's the 76 year old--

LARRY

Every day, 17,000 Americans defend themselves with a gun--

SAM

That's flat-out not true.

ED

--including a 76 year old grandmother in Chicago, who defended herself

against an

intruder in the middle of the night.

LARRY

Just don't use the stats.

SAM

The 76 year old grandmother doesn't defend herself with a modified AK-47

Assault

Rifle, Larry.  Unless she's defending herself against Turkish rebels.

Sam's assistant, CATHY, approaches.

CATHY

Excuse me.

SAM

Oh, you guys know my assistant Cathy?

LARRY

We've talked a lot on the phone.

CATHY

Yeah, hi. [to Sam] I need you for just a second.

SAM

Ah, right. [to Ed and Larry] Call me at the end of the day. [walks with Cathy

CATHY

Leo's wife called.

SAM

That woman hates me.

CATHY

Yes.

SAM

What'd I do?

CATHY

You tried to hit on her at party fundraiser.

SAM

Yes. I meant recently. I meant why did she call.

CATHY

She wants you to...

SAM

For the hundredth time, I didn't know who she was, and how long am I gonna be

crucified for that?

CATHY

Well a little while longer anyway, 'cause...

SAM

Most women, I would think, would be flattered that...

CATHY

Yeah, I think Leo was especially touched that you...

SAM

What'd she want?

CATHY

She was supposed to give a tour to some students from her daughter's fourth

grade

class. She can't make it and she wants you to do it.

SAM

I can't.

They walk in the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.

CATHY

You have to. They wrote essays.

SAM

No really, I can't. I'm not a good tour guide. I don't know anything about

the White

House. [his pager goes off]

CATHY

You wanna call Mrs. McGarry and tell her that?

SAM

[looking at his pager] Oh God, please let this be a national emergency.

Sam picks up a phone and punches in a number off his pager. A woman answers.

WOMAN [VO]

Cashmere Escorts.

SAM

[on the phone] Hi. You paged me?

WOMAN [VO]

Who is this?

SAM

[on the phone] This is Sam Seaborn.

WOMAN [VO]

I'm sorry. There's been a mistake.

SAM

[on the phone] Who's this?

WOMAN [VO]

Cashmere Escort Service.

SAM

[on the phone, confused] Okey-doke. [hangs up, to Cathy] Page me.

CATHY

Where are you going?

SAM

I'm standing right here. Page me and punch in my number.

Cathy does. Sam watches his pager. Nothing.

CATHY

You switched pagers with someone.

SAM

A woman's about to call me. She's not gonna know why. Put her through. [goes

into

his office and closes the door. He shuts the door and sits at his desk,

waiting for

the phone to ring, which it soon does]Hello?

LAURIE [VO]

Hello? You paged me?

SAM

[on the phone] Laurie?

LAURIE [VO]

Who's this?

SAM

[on the phone] It's Sam.

LAURIE [VO]

Hi.

SAM

[on the phone] Sam Seaborn.

LAURIE [VO]

Yeah. You called me.

SAM

[on the phone] Yeah, ah, actually you called me. And that's because you have my

pager. And I have yours.

LAURIE [VO]

Oh.

SAM

[on the phone] Yeah. Look, listen, can I come by and see you real quick?

LAURIE [VO]

Yeah.

SAM

[on the phone] Thanks... Good... Okay.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY

A few reporters are waiting around for C.J., who enters the hallway. Billy is

talking to another reporter.

BILLY

I'm holding four column inches above the fold.

REPORTER

You're going to be wrong.

BILLY

I've got Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh...

C.J.

Guys, I don't have a lot of time to answer questions right now.

CHRIS

C.J., has--

C.J.

But that shouldn't stop you from asking them anyway. Chris?

CHRIS

Has the President had any reaction to Josh on the show?

C.J.

None that I'm aware of.

CHRIS

Do you know--

C.J.

Seriously, that's it. I'll get you wheels down time when I've got

it. [continues to

wall through the hallway and is intercepted by Toby]

TOBY

They're picking up the scent.

C.J.

Billy is. The rest of 'em are picking up Billy's scent.

TOBY

Josh is gonna come to the coffee.

C.J.

Keep him cool.

FADE OUT.

END ACT TWO

* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: EXT. PENNSYLVANIA AVE. IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY

Leo and AL CALDWELL are walking and are in the middle of a conversation.

LEO

President's a deeply religious man, Reverend. I don't need to tell you that.

CALDWELL

No.

LEO

He's worked with the Southern Baptist Leadership Conference. He's worked with

the Catholic Relief...

CALDWELL

He's spoken at my church.

LEO

Yes, he has. He also spent eight months traveling around the country

discouraging

young women from having abortions.

CALDWELL

Oh, hang on. He never said anything...

LEO

He doesn't believe that it's the government's place to legislate this

issue. But

that has not stopped him from playing his role as a moral leader. Something

which

cost him dearly in the campaign and you know that.

CALDWELL

Why does he insist on demonizing us as a group?

LEO

Because your group has plenty of demons.

CALDWELL

[snorts] Every group has plenty of demons.

LEO

You don't have to tell me about it, Reverend. I'm a member of the Democratic

Party.

CALDWELL

Why does the White House suddenly talk like everyone in the Christian Right

is the

same?

LEO

Forgive me, Al. But when you stand that close to Mary Marsh and John Van

Dyke, it's

sometimes hard not to paint you all with the same brush.

CALDWELL

We need John and Mary for political muscle.

LEO

I don't think you do, but I recognize you're in a tough spot.

CALDWELL

I'm not looking for a holy war, Leo.

LEO

Oh, I know you're not, Al. And I think that you and I can keep this from

escalating

beyond the petulant woman being angry about getting her hair a little messed

up on T.V.

CALDWELL

And there you go again. [They stop walking to face one another.]

LEO

What?

CALDWELL

It was not a little deal.

LEO

No one's saying...

CALDWELL

And I want to make sure -- of nothing else, I want to make sure that you're

taking

me seriously.

LEO

You don't think we're taking this seriously? 24 hours ago, the President

ordered

me to fire Josh Lyman. I've been trying to talk him down from it ever

since. He's

getting off the plane in ten minutes. It's 6 to 5 at pickin' whether Josh still

has a job. Now, I don't know how much more seriously we can take it.

CALDWELL

Well, that's regrettable.

LEO

Yes, it is. [They start walking again.] Anyway, I'm glad Toby organized

your meeting

this afternoon.

CALDWELL

So am I.

CUT TO: INT. LAURIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Laurie, in jeans in a sweatshirt, answers the knocking at the door. Sam

is standing

there in his overcoat.

SAM

Hi.

LAURIE

Hi.

SAM

Can I come in?

LAURIE

Sure. [lets Sam in]

SAM

[walks down the long hallway in her apartment] This is a nice apartment.

LAURIE

You saw it last night.

SAM

Yeah, and I really like it.

LAURIE

Thanks.

SAM

It makes very good use of space.

LAURIE

[grabbing the pager off her couch] Thanks.

SAM

The way the ladle hangs from the pegboard.

LAURIE

The ladle didn't actually come with the apartment. It's mine.

SAM

Right.

LAURIE

Yeah.

SAM

Um, can I ask you something?

LAURIE

Am I a hooker?

SAM

No. No. What I was gonna say is this: Is it possible, that in addition to

being a

law student and part-time bartender, that you are what I'm certain would

have to be

a very high-priced call girl. I, by the way, making no judgments. The thing is,

with my job--

LAURIE

Yes.

SAM

Yes?

LAURIE

Yeah, I'm sorry. I should've told you. I wanted you to like me.

SAM

I do. I gotta go. [waits a moment then walks to the door]

LAURIE

Sam?

SAM

Yeah?

LAURIE

My pager.

SAM

Oh, right. [exchanges pagers]

LAURIE

Thanks.

SAM

Listen, I don't know how often you get up...

LAURIE

Sam. Go. You don't know who I am.

SAM

It's just that there are people who'd pay a lot of money for...

LAURIE

I know. Go. It's okay.

Sam turns and goes.

CUT TO: INT. WEST WING HALLWAY - DAY

A group of visitors, AL CALDWELL, MARY MARSH, JOHN VAN DYKE and several

of their

assistants and staff people are following C.J.'s assistant, CAROL, who

leads them

to a room.

CAROL

Reverend Caldwell, if you all would just step in here.

The group goes into the mural room as Cathy passes by and looks into the

ROOSEVELT ROOM. Several nine-year-olds are waiting patiently with their

teacher,

MALLORY O'BRIAN. Cathy opens the door to address them.

CATHY

Excuse me. Hi. We're going to be just a minute so why doesn't everyone have

a seat.

[leaves]

MALLORY

[to the children] All right. Everybody, nicely and quietly, take a seat.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY

Donna is standing in front of Josh, holding out a fresh shirt and tie.

JOSH

No.

DONNA

Put it on.

JOSH

No.

DONNA

Put it on.

JOSH

No.

DONNA

You've been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh.

JOSH [OS]

I am not getting spruced up for these people, Donna.

DONNA

All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt.

Josh grabs the shirt and tie. Donna walks out of the office into the corridor.

DONNA

[calling out] Bonnie!

BONNIE [OS]

Yeah?

DONNA

Tell Toby he's changing his shirt.

BONNIE

Right.

We move to the LOBBY where Cathy meets Sam as he enters.

CATHY

You're late.

SAM

I'm having kind of a weird day. [They begin walking.]

CATHY

Leo's daughter's class is waiting with their teacher and a couple of parents in

the Roosevelt Room.

SAM

I don't know what to say to them.

CATHY

You're supposed to tell them about the building and its history. Do you

need anything?

SAM

I need someone to tell me about the building and its history.

CATHY

Just fake it.

SAM

I can't fake it.

CATHY

Of course you can fake it.

THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. Fifteen or so fourth-graders, dressed in the,ir White

House best,

are sitting patiently along with their teacher, Mallory. Sam and Cathy

pull around

the corner and stop outside the door.

SAM

Which one is Leo's daughter?

CATHY

What does it matter?

SAM

I want to make a good impression. What does she look like?

CATHY

I don't know.

SAM

Okay. I just want to thank you for all of your help.

CATHY

Sure.

Sam tries to open one of the doors, but finds it locked. Cathy opens the other

door for him.

SAM

Hi, I'm sorry to be late.

MALLORY

Mr. Seaborn. Mallory O'Brian.

SAM

Hi.

MALLORY

And these are the fourth graders at Clearlake Elementary School who wrote

the best

essays on why they wanted to visit the White House.

SAM

Well, that's just great, why don't we get started. [walks around the table]

My name

is Sam Seaborn and I'm the Deputy Communications Director. What does that mean

exactly? Well, to begin with, I'm a counselor to the President, mostly

on domestic

matters, though generally not security related. I work with Toby Ziegler, the

Communications Director; and C.J. Cregg, the Press Secretary, on crafting our

message and getting it out through the electronic and print media. And while my

functions here are generally perceived to be politically skewed, it's

important to

remember that it is not the D.N.C., but rather your tax dollars that pay

my salary.

So I work for you whether you voted for us or not.

There's an awkward silence in the room before--

MALLORY

Mr. Seaborn, maybe you could give us some history.

SAM

Sure. I graduated law school eight years ago and started working for

Dewey-Ballantine where I--

MALLORY

Actually, I'm sorry to interrupt, actually I meant a history of the building.

SAM

The White House.

MALLORY

Yes.

SAM

Sure. [pause] The White House, as you know, was built several years

ago. Mostly, if

I'm not mistaken, out of cement. The room we're in right now, the Roosevelt

Room,

is very famous. It is named for our 18th President, Franklin Delano

Roosevelt. The

chairs that you're sitting on today were fashioned from the lumber of a

pirate ship

captured during the Spanish-American--

The students are enraptured, but Mallory becomes upset.

MALLORY

[stands] All right. Kids, I need to speak with Mr. Seaborn. Sit tight for

a second.

Sam follows Mallory into the HALLWAY.

MALLORY

Hi.

SAM

How ya doin'?

MALLORY

I'm sorry to be rude, but are you a moron?

SAM

In this particular area, yes.

MALLORY

The 18th President was Ulysses S. Grant, and the Roosevelt Room was named

for Theodore.

SAM

Really?

MALLORY

There's like a six-foot painting on the wall of Teddy Roosevelt.

SAM

I should've put two and two together.

MALLORY

Yes.

SAM

Look, the thing is, while there are really a great many things I can speak with

authority, I'm not good at talking about the White House.

MALLORY

You're the White House Deputy Communications Director and you're not good

at talking

about the White House?

SAM

Ironic, isn't it?

MALLORY

I don't believe this. [starts to go back into the room, but Sam stops her]

SAM

Wait a minute. Wait. Please. Could you do me favor? Could you tell me which

one of

those kids is Leo McGarry's daughter?

MALLORY

Why?

SAM

Well, if I could make eye contact with her, make her laugh, you know, just

see that

she has a good time, it might go a long way toward making my life easier.

MALLORY

These children worked hard. All of them. And I'm not inclined at this moment

to make

your life easier.

SAM

Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell

you that

I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing

a poll

that says a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House

has lost

energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the

video footage

of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast

Guard are

fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to

blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for

going on

television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with

a prostitute

last night. Now. Would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which

one of

those kids is my boss's daughter.

MALLORY

That would be me.

SAM

You.

MALLORY

Yes.

SAM

Leo's daughter's fourth grade class.

MALLORY

Yes.

SAM

[pause] Well, this is bad on so many levels.

FADE OUT.

END ACT THREE

* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Josh, C.J., Toby, Donna and a few aides walk through the corridors toward the

MURAL ROOM.

C.J.

She's gonna try and bait you, Josh, you understand what I'm saying?

JOSH

Lloyd Russell. Yeah, that'll last.

C.J.

Are you listening to me?

JOSH

[repeating] They're gonna try and bait me.

C.J.

They want you to say something arrogant.

JOSH

I don't need baiting for that.

They walk into the MURAL ROOM where Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh, John Van Dyke, and

several staffers are waiting.

TOBY

Hi. Hi, good afternoon. We apologize. We're running a bit behind today.

Josh sits quietly, as C.J. and Toby greet everyone.

CALDWELL

That's quite all right. How's the President's health.

C.J.

It's a mild sprain, he'll be fine.

CALDWELL

Good, good. You all know Mary Marsh and John Van Dyke.

C.J.

Yes.

TOBY

Everybody, sit, sit, sit. We're happy you all could come talk with us today. As

you know, the President makes a usual Sunday morning radio address, and in

a few

weeks we've scheduled--

CALDWELL

Ah, Toby, if I may interrupt for just a momentae the goals and spirit of

Christian

and Family oriented organizations, while embraced by a great and growing

number of

Americans, have been met with hostility and contempt by their Government. Now,

yesterday morning, on the television program Capital Beat, that contempt

was given

a voice... and a face... and a name. [to Josh] I'm referring, of course,

to you, sir.

JOSH

Yes, I know, and I'm glad you brought that up...

CALDWELL

I was surprised at you, Josh. I always counted you as a friend.

JOSH

And I'm honored by that, Reverend. First, let me say that when I spoke on the

program yesterday, I was not speaking for the President or this administration.

That's important to know. Second, please allow me to apologize. My remarks

were glib

 and insulting. I was going for the cheap laugh, and anybody willing to step

 up and

debate ideas deserves better than a political punch line. Mary, I apologize.

MARY

[pause, then turns to Toby] Good then. Let's deal.

TOBY

[beat] I'm sorry?

MARY

What do we get?

TOBY

For what?

MARY

For insulting millions of Americans.

TOBY

Well, like Josh said...

MARY

I heard what Josh said, Toby, what do we get?

TOBY

An apology.

MARY

Sunday morning radio address. Public morals. School prayer or pornography, take

your pick.

TOBY

School prayer or pornography?

VAN DYKE

It's on every street corner.

TOBY

I've seen it. Mary...

MARY

Condoms in the schools.

TOBY

What?!

MARY

Condoms in the schools.

TOBY

Well, that's a problem.

MARY

What?

TOBY

[raising his voice] We have a Surgeon General who says they dramatically

reduce the

risk of teen pregnancy and AIDS.

MARY

So does abstinence.

VAN DYKE

Show the average American teenage male a condom and his mind will turn

to thoughts

of lust.

TOBY

Show the average American teenage male a lug wrench and his mind'll turn...

C.J.

Toby!

MARY

School prayer, pornography, condoms. What's it gonna be?

TOBY

We're not prepared to make any sort of deal right now.

JOSH

Sure we are. Mary...

MARY

[to Josh] My read of the landscape is that you're cleaning out your desk

before the

end of business today, so I'd just as soon negotiate with Toby if it's all

the same

to you.

CALDWELL

Mary.

MARY

[to Caldwell] Please allow me to work. [to Josh] It was only a matter of

time with

you, Josh.

JOSH

Yes.

MARY

That New York sense of humor was just a...

CALDWELL

Mary, there no need...

MARY

Reverend, please! They think they're so much smarter. They think it's

smart talk.

But nobody else does.

JOSH

I'm actually from Connecticut, but that's neither here nor there. The point

is, Mary...

TOBY

She meant Jewish. [A stunned silence. Everyone stares at Toby.] When she said

"New

York sense of humor", she was talking about you and me.

JOSH

You know what, Toby, let's just not even go there.

CALDWELL

There's been an apology. Let's move on.

VAN DYKE

I'd like to discuss why we hear so much talk about the First Amendment

coming out

of this building, but no talk at all about the First Commandment.

MARY

I don't like what I've just been accused of.

TOBY

[raising his voice] I'm afraid that's just tough, Mrs. Marsh.

VAN DYKE

The First Commandment says "Honor thy Father".

TOBY

No it doesn't.

JOSH

Toby--

TOBY

It doesn't.

JOSH

Listen--